I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
