Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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