i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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