Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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