just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
