...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
