First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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