apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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