Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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