if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
