I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
