Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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