I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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