i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
