Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
