You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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