; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
And then my night got REAL pukey
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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