K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
