im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
