i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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