the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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