why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
