I skipped work to stalk him.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize