I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
