I just threw up on my dentist
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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