You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
