Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
