am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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