Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize