I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
