So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
