This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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