saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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