Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
