But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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