you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
