I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize