Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
