Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize