dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
