you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Everything about him screamed your future.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
