new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
