I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize