dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
