look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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