He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
