please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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