Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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