The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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