His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Alive.
So much puke
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
