If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
