I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
