I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Don't tell me you're on acid again
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize