Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think my moral compass just broke
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