Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
