I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
