Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
