I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
