it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
