Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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