is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
