Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
