I just made out with a guy for $7.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
