My balls are so social today.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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