Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
