thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My bed smells like the plague
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
