Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
